i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
