the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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