He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Do you remember whose house we're in?
we're so committed to being not committed
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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