Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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