I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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