Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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