I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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