I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My ATM looks so different sober.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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