is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
