hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
