Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
