Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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