I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
