what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
