i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
