That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
