I wish I could punch you in the face.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I think i got beer on your cat.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
