Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
