i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
