I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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