Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
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