trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Vodka?
Forever.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
