somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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