There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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