u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
