It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
