Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
