how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
