I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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