Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
