sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
