How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
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