she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
