hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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