I wish they made helmets for livers.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
