you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
