I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
