So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I am one with the molecules
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
