Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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