why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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