I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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