and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
