Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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