Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
