Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
