Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
