pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
