My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
