I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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