I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
